Short stories are coming in! It’s that time of the semester. Your classmates are getting their creative juices flow, but they need your help… and I’m willing to give you extra credit for your assistance. I will grant the following, if and only if, you follow the instructions below:
Extra Credit
You may earn 20 points for Class Participation OR One zero in the Novel Questions category forgiven (changed to 100%)
Here’s what to do:
1. Read one of the posted short stories. Keep in mind that these are rough drafts, not the finished product.
2. Click on the comments section below this post to leave your feedback. Be sure to save a copy of your feedback in a Word document, just in case something happens while you're typing. You should select the Anonymous posting option, but please put your name at the top of the comment box and the title of the story and name of the author you are addressing. Comments with no names will not get the extra credit.
3. Answer the following questions. Be as specific as possible so that your classmate can get the best advantage from your advice. Be constructive. If you don’t like something in a story, explain how you might have handled it or offer suggestions to correct.
a. What aspect of the story did you enjoy most? Explain why.
b. Were the characters well-developed and/or likable? Why or why not?
c. Is the premise of the story plausible? In other words, is the story believable and does it work within the rules the writer has set?
d. What aspect of the story do you think could be improved? Why?
4 comments:
Serna's story, Untitled.
a. I enjoyed the physical plot line. I liked that it jumped from past to present, but it wasn't choppy. I liked that you used a mixture of russian but i'm not sure why you picked russian. Why not arabic or Slovac or an African dilect? If you answered that or used an unnamed allien language that would be better.
b. The charcters were well developed and not burdened by unneeded physical description.
c. The story was believable but short lived. I'd like to see more details on how He meet up with the institute, when his parents were taken and why his friend understands so well.
d. I think that besides what was mentioned above you might want to change the first "russian" to actual russian phonetic writing. It would make the story more believable and enjoyable.
Stephanie Lucas
The unalienable Heart By Tyrone
a. What aspect of the story did you enjoy most? Explain why.
I enjoyed the concept that this giant pulsating cloud was commanding the dying woman’s heart. That was a nice detail. I also found the details of the neighborhood with the dogs, cats and lack of human activity to be interesting.
b. Were the characters well-developed and/or likable? Why or why not?
The characters were likable enough but a but unbelievable. I thought that the description of the father was unnecessary and dragged a bit because it didn’t help the story in any way. It would have been okay to just say the father was dead and greatly missed. The paragraph on the mother was also a bit too long for me. It didn’t seem like you gave any important information on her. It said “Whether she was sick or not” maybe if you put she was sick, that would help.
The main character was nice enough but some of the dialog seemed over dramatic.
c. Is the premise of the story plausible? In other words, is the story believable and does it work within the rules the writer has set?
Yes, the story functioned well within it’s rules. I enjoyed the premise of it but I wondered when the action would start.
d. What aspect of the story do you think could be improved? Why?
I would suggest getting rid of some of the comparisons. One of these being in the third paragraph, “ it resembles the feeling one feels when imagining or seeing the sun reflect off of the ocean on a tolerable summery day.” It hurt the flow because I was trying to figure out what that meant. It seemed to lag on also. Is it good to be tolerable? Also the comparison of the mother’s voice I had the same issue with. It lagged on in my opinion, it confused me and damaged the flow. Also I think you told more than you showed. If you had the character maybe thinking about his parents and he remembers a story that would demonstrate all of these things, that might make the reader connect more with the family. In the description of the father you also used the worked honorable, respectful and highly respected. Those seem to mean the same thing. You also missed a lot of quotation marks. I get that that can be a style idea but it just made the story confusing. The fourth paragraph is a back and forth but it’s written with out any indication who is talking, when they stop and when some one else begins. It’s the same with the last paragraph I think, the doctor is talking to the main character and there is no indication as to when he stopped. This also happened when the meeting started on the second page. Some of the details seemed unneeded with him getting in his car and buckling his seat belt, it just slowed down what would have been a fast pace and dramatic moment. I hope these comments help!
Stephnaie Lucas
Stephanie Lucas's Story, If Anything Matters
a. I liked the way the story reflects on the different aspects of the main character's life. This truly helps the reader to obtain a better understanding and visual imagery of the main character in their mind.
b. Due to the way the story showed the difference in mannerism, speech pattern, vocabulary and personality where the main character was concerned,it showed that Stephanie did a great job developing the main character. Unfortunately, it was hard to get that same well developed feeling for the other characters due to the over focus on the mannerisms, speech pattern and the jumping back and forth between the past and presence of the main character. The over focusing on the main character periodically made the story drag on which can tend to make the reader lose enthusiasm. But, just the addition of more communication between the main character and the other characters in the story, will give the reader a better idea of the development of the other characters and make the story more enthusiastic.
c. The story was believable, but it would be even more believable and interesting if more of the plot was scattered throughout the whole story in bits and pieces, which would make the conclusion have more of an impact and make the premise of the story more plausible.
d. I recommend getting rid of the statements about the flies or putting less emphasis on them. Due to all of the emphasis that was placed on not liking flies, I immediately got the impression that the drama and excitement was going to be based around the main character and the flies that he hated so much, instead of someone being shot and him deciding whether or not to take the blame for it. The second aspect of the story that needs to be adjusted is the way that the story jumps too much from past to present scenes and from place to place. With all of the jumping back and forth, it confuses the reader as to where the characters are, what they're doing and why they're doing whatever they're doing, which takes away from the plot. Also, there are a lot of different characters that were written into the story so quickly, which makes it hard for the reader to keep up with them and to get a valid idea of each character's purpose. Lastly, the story seems way too structured due to the writer getting more hung up on the details of the story, as well as the mannerisms and speech pattern of the main character. This makes the story seem more mechanical instead of free flowing, causing the author's voice to be lost in the telling of the story, which makes it less exciting and more difficult for the reader to get the premise of the story.
Overall, I truly like the concept that the writer is trying to bring forth.
Tyrone Gilyard
Trapped in George by Derek T. Givens
a. I like how the story started. It was very descriptive. The action in it made the story very likable as well. I also like the idea that he made a story about games feeling real. I like it because I can visualize everything in my head and how the character Ghost felt and I like it being a story about games feeling real since I like playing videos games.
b. I would say that the characters are both well-developed and likable. The characters are mostly developed through the dialogue and the main character is likable because he shows that he is thinking and how he feels about certain things. The main character is not closed off and robotic, which makes him a likeable character.
c. Yes, I think the story is plausible and works within the rules the writer has set because electronic games are developing rapidly today. With technology growing, and the desire for games to be more and more realistic, I can assume that video games just might be made so you can feel it.
d. I think the story is very good. The only thing I would advise it to watch out for misplaced words and grammar mistakes. The reason why is because these kinds of mistakes can distract a reader. But overall, the grammar is pretty good too.
Lare’ Hudson
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